April 27th, 2011

I have to be honest, yesterday, I was half way to crazy.  The night before last, I did not get much sleep.  It wasn't that Mason was up a lot, in fact, no more than normal, I just didn't get good rest.  Lack of sleep is a recipe for an emotional and crazy mommy.  That morning I felt like a bad mom for the first time.  I put Mason back in his crib when he wasn't really that tired just so I could get some sleep.  Looking back now it really wasn't a big deal.  He fell asleep right away and never cried.  Honestly, with as much as a newborn sleeps, I shouldn't have felt bad but I still felt guilty for wanting to sleep more. 

That day nursing was difficult.  I was leaking all over the place and getting frustrated with my oversupply.  I cried while I nursed him, wishing things would be easier.  I kept thinking what a waste of time the breastfeeding class I took was.  The instructor briefly touched on oversupply and engorgement which effects most women.  Later that day I caught a small portion of the show Bringing Home Baby.  That episode a mom was dealing with not having enough milk.  She would pump for a half hour and barely got a half an ounce.  Immediately I felt irrational and stupid.  Here I am with a very healthy son who eats like a champ and although he gags and spits up due to my oversupply, at least I am able to nurse him and spend that time bonding with him.

Last night Carter fed Mason a bottle of pumped milk at 11pm so I could sleep from 8-2 without interruption.   Although I had to get up and pump again because I missed that feeding, those 6 hours were much needed!  I literally feel like a completely new person and feel a little ridiculous for how emotional I was yesterday.  But in all honesty, breastfeeding is very hard and no matter how hard people tell you it is, it doesn't sink in until you are doing it.  

The truth is, nursing is getting easier.  He's able to latch on and stay on for a longer period of time.  Something he wasn't really able to do before since he was getting so much milk.  I do have to hand express when I am really full before feedings so I don't overwhelm him, but it's totally manageable.   

There are going to be good days and bad days, good nights and bad nights.  It's just trying to manage the ups and downs and not go crazy.  Hopefully all this rain will go away because walks during the day are much needed for myself, Mason and Rocky. 

Mason is napping so I am going to take advantage and nap too before daddy gets home.  It's so IMPORTANT to sleep when they sleep!  In order to do my job well as a mommy I need to take care of myself.