I had a rough week leading up to Friday, my first day back at the office. Wednesday night I was crying to the point where I was hyperventilating. I was just so distraught about going back to work and leaving Mason. I kept reassuring myself that he's with his grandparents and is in great hands. Not to mention the fact that by going to work I am actually doing Mason a great service by being able to provide for him in a different way, since we all know mommy brings home the big bucks ;) He just better get into Harvard to justify all this hard work I'm doing. LOL. In all seriousness, it's something that I have struggled with and I really go back and forth on.
Friday morning went pretty smoothly. The Mason Man was up at 4:45AM to eat, which was perfect because before Mason was in my life, I usually got up between 5 and 5:30 to get ready and out the door. We nursed, I laid him back down and then darted to get myself ready. After my shower, he started stirring in his sleep because he was congested, so I stopped getting ready, cleaned his nose out, changed him and got him ready for the day (tasks that will actually belong to Carter). I was about to head out the door at 6:20 on the dot (time which I normally leave) when I decided I needed a few extra kisses and some tissues for the road. I arrived at work (West End) at maybe 5 minutes after 7. As I pulled out of the driveway, I started to tear up, but calmly told myself to get it together and I did. The car ride was what it normally is, me silently cursing at the drivers on the road that move so slow as they pass the construction on I65 north in Franklin. We pass the same wheel loaders everyday moving dirt and for some reason, everyone has to stop and look every morning. It's quite infuriating, but it kept my mind preoccupied. As I arrive in the building I see many friendly faces, all telling me welcome back, and how I don't look like I just had a baby. All things that made me feel good ;) I then get to my desk which was beautifully decorated by my department for my birthday that just passed over the weekend. My day was jammed packed with trying to get set up all over again. Apparently, if you are gone for more than 90 days, IT pretty much blocks you from everything for security purposes. On top of all that, I had to pump three times. A new ritual that I feel will make the day fly by! I will say it was a little strange pumping in a room all by yourself in the middle of the workday, but it gave me a nice break. I really thought I would breakdown and cry once I got in there but I was distracted by checking the news feed on Facebook ;) I am blessed to work for a company that supports the working mother and provides a pumping room. I can totally see why women stop nursing when they go back to work. It's a ton of work! First, you really need a good, easy place to pump, something most companies don't provide. Also you now have to deal with bottles, lugging around the pump, finding time during your schedule to pump, dealing with milk storage, and cleaning everything, every time. Formula at this point is so much easier. But anyways, Melinda sent a ton of pictures throughout the day and kept me updated so that made things a lot easier. But I tell you, 4:00PM came and I was OUT. I rushed to get Mason and he was all smiles when I saw him. I just kissed him all over and held him. Finally after chatting with Melinda for a bit, we headed home. On the way home, I started to break down. I hadn't cried at all that day until I finally had him with me. I think I was just all worked up, trying to be strong and so busy that I finally had a good moment to myself and I was finally at ease with my little man in tow, that I just broke down. He is seriously everything in my life that is good and I can't stand being apart from him.
Next week is the ultimate test as I go for a full week. I was happy to start back on a Friday, it gave me one day to get my desk and things together before work actually starts. I am blessed to work with very supportive people who are there for me and will be a shoulder for me to cry on. I also have amazing family and friends that were really supportive leading up to Friday and the day of. I received tons of calls and messages and I appreciate everyone's kind words and prayers. It's one of those things that you don't realize how hard it will be until you get there. It's just like not knowing what true love is until you hold your child in your arms. I'm sure this next week will be hard as reality of being a working mom will set in. I just keep telling myself it will slowly get better. Baby steps.
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